Me Being Sarcastic

Can you imagine being a criminal defense attorney?
How would you feel if your job required you to defend someone you knew was guilty?
What would you do if the person you were trying to defend was guilty of the most horrific crime imaginable, and you knew you were sure to lose?

Whatever job it is that you have, I'm willing to bet you are much happier doing that.

So do I feel sorry for these people? Maybe I would, if it weren't for seeing how they perform in the courtroom.
I mean, if you were doing a job that you hate, wouldn't you want to get it done as soon as you could?

Well, they don't seem to think that way.

So it's day one of the Carson trial, and the judge orders the sealed warrants to be opened, and immediately the defense attorneys object.

Na, Man! We can't have that! Then everybody will already know they're guilty, and we aint got no defense!

I think the objection went something like that, or perhaps it was more like they were afraid the defendants would be convicted too quickly, before they even had a chance to attempt a defense. We sure don't want it to take any less time.

They say they want to see justice served in due process.
Does this mean they want to drag it out as long as they can?

Perhaps it's because they have so little to defend with, that they grab onto anything they've got, and milk it for all it's worth.

How would you defend these suspects, knowing that everywhere you look there are lynch mobs already gathering?

I have a suggestion.
Talk about how much they have contributed to our community.
No, really. Just think about it.
What have we learned about from these two young men?

For starters, we clearly see that it is completely uneffective to keep letting offenders get off on probation, when they keep on coming back for more crimes they get to do as soon as they're set loose.
After so many times, you'd think that one would eventually get the idea that this wasn't working.
We want to give them every chance to do better? That would work if they made use of the chances they got.

Yes, we should thank these young men for illustrating this point more elaborately than anyone in an NC courtroom has ever done before.

Now we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that cutting slack for a habitual offender only serves to allow them to offend some more.

Sure, you say, we already know that. It's common sense.
But hey. We're talking about court. We have a different set of rules here.

It's like, when you have to listen to someone lying his butt off, and you know damn well he's lying his butt off, but you still have to listen to him, because, hey, it's the rules.
Then, of course, you have to pretend that you don't know he's lying, and try to make up a reason to believe that he's not. Then, you have to pretend that the reason makes sense.

Not only do we have two young men here who have committed a crime most foul and inhuman, but they have given us the opportunity today to see what asses we really are!

Now that's got to be worth something. Don't you think?